My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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