i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
