Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
