I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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