Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So here I am, sexting at work.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
