I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
