Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
