i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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