I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
