When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
