I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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