the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
