yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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