Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
