My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
