im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I will be naked everywhere
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
