Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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