There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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