Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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