I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
