the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
