I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
