ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
