You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
