Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
