just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
