if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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