I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
