I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
