Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
