Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Randomize
