nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
