I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
