Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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