Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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