i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
