i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
