This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
