Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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