Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
