I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
