Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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