I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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