your parents love me but you hate me
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Panties = found
Randomize
