My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
