Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
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