3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
