you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
