I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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