sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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