the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
